Reconnecting

I feel more like myself than I've felt in years. I've still got some way to go before I'll fully be there, but coming back to this city has helped tremendously. Looking back on the last 10 or so years, you might think I succeeded on some insane mission to destroy myself. Joining the Army, fighting my way out, moving to Raleigh, moving back to NY, the failed experiment of splitting a house in Raleigh with my brother, and living with my friends for a year have all taken their toll on me.

It's never been a matter of having an issue with myself, though the self-loathing was strong in me. All my life my real self has been suppressed. As a kid my aspirations were systematically shot down as unrealistic, unattainable, foolish dreams. More run ins with a folded over leather belt than I can count taught me to play the part that was expected of me.

Ironically, the same people dispensing discipline allowed me to miss half the school year for the first 5 years. I was driven to read on my own, studied what interested me, and I had the ability to figure out the match I'd missed by watching a few problems be solved. I was never held back since I was performing well above grade level in all subjects. The only concern was over not getting to socialize with kids my own age.

Socialization in school is one of the greatest myths that we're bombarded with from all sources. Think back on your school years and try to remember how much of it was spent being allowed to socialize and how much of it was being indoctrinated on how to be a good work and do as you're told. Even in kindergarten you would have to sit attentively at your desk with your hands crossed. You spoke only when allowed, you played on their schedule, napped with everyone else. Even on your lunch break you weren't allowed to be particularly social. You had to bring a book with you to read. The table that was the quietest at the beginning of the period got their lunch first, and the quietest at the end got to go back to class. I remember being told that the expectation was to come in quietly, read, eat your food, dispose of your tray, read, and wait to be sent back to class. Conversations were held in secret and the less stealthy violators were chastised and separated. Even prisoners are allowed to socialize at lunch.

After missing out on the great whitewashing that occurs during the early school years, I found myself fortunately enough to be in very unique public junior high and high school environments. I honestly believe that the major differences between public and private schools isn't in funding or the quality of the staff. The differences stem from private schools treating the students more like people while the public schools treat them like prisoners. I saw the difference when I visited a private school to decide whether I wanted to accept their scholarship. (I turned it down feeling uncomfortable with the class (social and financial) politics I'd face being a poor Hispanic kid from the projects whose family had no money).

Graduation came and I didn't know what I wanted to do. My heart was with my dreams, which still lay tattered in the back of my mind. I didn't want to go through four more years of the same material, but I didn't want to be an unskilled laborer making what he could where he could. Like so many desperate, confused youth, I joined the Army. If you want a great whitewashing and loss of self, look to the military. Cults actually take their brainwashing techniques straight from the pages of basic training instruction manuals. If you don't recognize it and/or you have a weak constitution, you will lose yourself there. That's where the career boys come from.

I'd learned as a kid to play the part of the "good soldier" while keeping my true self safe. I was even named soldier of the quarter for 1/3 HSC SFG (A) while building the case that would eventually lead to my honorable discharge two years early with no possibility of recall to active duty.

After the Army I was more lost than ever. I was an intelligence analyst who burned his bridges with that community to obtain his freedom. Those skills don't translate very well to the civilian sector. It was then that I started working night shifts. From there I moved back to NYC, then back to Raleigh to split a house with my brother, then I moved in with my friends when my brother and I decided to sell the house. Living with my friends was far worse for me than I ever would have imagined. I think back on myself during that time and have no idea who I was.

In the last year, I've moved out of my friends' house to a place of my own. There I started to become myself again. I met LB, whom I immediately admired for knowing what she wanted to be since she was young and working towards that dream ever since. Together with my best friend from my Army days, we decided to move forward with our dreams, all else be damned. That's how I find myself as I am now, sitting in NYC waiting for them to save enough for us to get an apartment.

There's just something about this city. I've seen articles that say NY is losing its global significance because of Wall Street's woes. That's pure rubbish. NY's significance isn't because of the exchange of money that never really existed in the first place. NYC is significant for its blending of cultures into something unique and distinct, for its art, and for its people. It's my city of birth and where I spent the first 18 years of life. There's a sense of connection here that I've not felt any place else. It's this city that formed me, and it's this city that will form my dreams.